There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
