I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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