Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
do nipples grow back?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
