note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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