yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
