9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
