filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
