Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
