thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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