the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
