shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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