3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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