she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
