can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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