Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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