I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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