So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
