I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
