So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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