Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
