Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
