Need sex. Gaining weight.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
