If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
