Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
