But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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