Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
