I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
