im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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