Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
