I'm so fucking centered right now
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Randomize
