I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Randomize