So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
