my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
