The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize