I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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