We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
