Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
