Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
