at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
