I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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