I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
