the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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