Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
