You made me cry and you don't even care
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
