did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
