i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
