one two three fourrrrnication!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
