we have officially lost it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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