you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
