I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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