so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
