Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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