Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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