Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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