how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
