dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
