every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize