I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
