i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
