His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
