Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
