I'm passing your future prison.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
