After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
