The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
