I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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