I need to stop coming to work sober
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
