I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
