Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
