Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
