My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
