rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
