I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
